ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
