Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
