90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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