Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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