Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
