My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
