do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
