no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
