just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
