Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Someone shattered a urinal.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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