In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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