Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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