i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
