I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize