Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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