Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
