what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
