just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
