What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
foreskin is a definite game changer
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
