We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
