Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
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