Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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