I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?