ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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