so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
