I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
