It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Randomize
