So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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