did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
