I wish they made helmets for livers.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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