She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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