I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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