Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
