Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
