my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
