you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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