Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
