woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
3pm strippers are depressing
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
