I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
