I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
