yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
