we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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