I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
