Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
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