my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
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Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
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And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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