he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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