Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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