So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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