she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
