i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
