Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
