Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
