we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
