i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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