I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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