Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I love having hate sex.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
