i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
