True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
