it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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