just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
