I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
