Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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