so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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